Cinco, cinco y no le llegaba a diez.

Five plus five, and still, he/she don't get to ten.

Even with two PhDs and a Lexus (he/she) is still a beer short of a six pack.

Barriga llena, Corazon contento.

A full stomach, results in a contented heart. Yup, if the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, then the faster you fill it, the faster you will own his heart. Fat men are happy men.

No se puede peer con chorro.

You can't fart when you have the runs. Think of this as a dictum. The same guy that ate the first artichoke carved this into the tablets that Moses got from the burning bush. Heads up to all those multi taskers: there's times when you shouldn't even try to do two things at once. A man should know his limits. YMMV.

La cascara guarda el palo.

The bark protects the tree.

This is often used as an excuse for not bathing.

Dime con quien andas y te dire quien eres.

Tell me who you hang with and I will tell you who you are.

Show me your posse, and Ill tell you why tu Madre is on your case. Why is it you only have losers for Facebook amigos? Why are you always the last to know? Why are you a Raiders fan? Look around you....

Una gallina nunca se junta con un coyote.

A chicken will never get together with a coyote.

Perhaps not, but then why do so many a gabachas ever marry Mexicans? Why would a moth circle a flame? Why would a chicken cross the road? Well, because Gabachas really want the E ticket, and much like moths they are mesmerized by light and heat, and the gallina is always sort of trying to get away from Wylie E.

En gustos se rompen generos.

Different tastes will result in torn fabric.

This is only true if two headstrong incredibly voluptuous room temp IQ seamstresses are working on the same pattern and get into a hair pulling, clothes ripping, drag out chick fight. Otherwise, who would even care about differences of aesthetic sensibilities?

Cuchillo de palo no corta pero bien que chinga (jode).

A wooden knife can not cut, but it sure can fuck you up. (wear on you)

This is a bit like the Bush administration, A dull dim witted utensil will wear on you….(for what seems like 20 years) and in retrospect besides being irritating, it really fucks everything up.

El que es barrigon aunque lo cinchen.

He who is a fat will be fat regardless of how tight the girdle is laced.

Fat is fat. Painted toe nails, new shoes, butterfly tattoos, whale tails, or whatever…. You still be fat. That goes for guys too. You can’t hide behind a fog of old spice or the flash of a gold AmEx card, although the flash of bling will dazzle the dimwitted after last call.

Ni tanto que queme al santo, ni tanto que quede obscuras.

Not so close as to burn the saint, nor so far as to leave him in darkness.

Votive candles, like single malt scotch or garlic are best administered or consumed in moderation. Too much too close (or soon) will burn or put the lights out.

El hombre pone y Dios dispone.

A man makes plans, and God makes them happen. Or not. This goes back to the vindictive God thing. Man is an impotent pawn in a cosmic game of Chutes and Ladders. You throw the dice and snake eyes bite you in the ass. This God guy has a perverse sense of humor. Just think of it as: “if you want it, you don’t deserve it and cant’t have it.” God has a bad attitude from being nailed to a cross and drinking cheap wine.

Lo nuevo empuja lo Viejo.

Ah yes, the new will push the old. Usually this refers to old age accepting the inevitable progression of time and graciously stepping aside or rather be rudely pushed aside. Or, it could also refer to an impending bowel movement after a large meal.

No me admiro del bien de mijo sino lo malimpuesto que queda

I am not impressed with the success of my son, but rather his sense of entitlement.

Whoa. This one is too close to home. My dad was obviously referring to mi hermano. Pinche mal agradecido.

El que da y quita, con el diablo se desquita

He who gives something and then takes it back, will make his final accounting in hell (with the devil). This runs contrary to the biblical axiom “the Lord giveth the Lord taketh”, but then this might be a “do as I say not as I do thing.” Biblical situational ethics cover a multitude of pecados, apparently.

Se vende como pan caliente

This can literally be translated as “It sells like hot cakes.” Very seldomly do dichos translate literally. This one does. It makes you wonder which came first the pan dulce or the flapjack. Pinche gabachos have stolen everything else, so I am guessing that they stole this too.

La burra no era arizca, la hizieron.

The donkey was not born gun shy. They made her that way.

Well, this one is broadly applicable, from kicking small pets to dope slapping novias. If they flinch, it is because they have learned to duck. Shame. Girl friends should never be slapped. Ever. Oh yeah, pinche rat dogs should not survive the first patada. Ever.

Que de leche la vaca, y aunque respingue.

So long as the cow gives milk, it matters not if it complains and bucks.

The end justifies the means.  This seems to be the operative dogma when water boarding terrorists, or trying to get to first base.

Mejor llegar a tiempo que ser invitado

It is better to arrive on time than to be invited.

This is the mantra of everyone in my family. You invite one, and he shows up with toda la familia, all 12 of them. Early. If you arrive late, you might miss the shrimp ceviche, or the one six pack of Negro Modelo that Tio Bob brought. Besides, there are never enough chairs. It is hard to look chingon with your culo enveloping a green plastic kid chair. Trust me.

No es lo mismo atras que en ancas.

To be behind a horse is not the same as riding behind the saddle.  A bit obvious if not archaic reference to who rides and who slogs through horse shit and contemplates the horse's ass. In a  more contemporary context:  There is a BIG difference between riding shotgun and riding in the back seat.

No por mucho madrugar se amanece mas temprano.

You can get up early all you want, but sunrise will not get here any sooner.  This paraphrases the futility of clean living and good intentions. "Don't worry be happy".  Just set the alarm and don't miss the bus.